Mr. Robert Mueller
I know you're busy, and I hate to bother you, but I have a question.
What's going on? You have now spent almost two years investigating alleged dirty dealings in D.C. and come up with little or nothing.
Your hired investigators even include FBI agents. The FBI took down Al Capone and Baby Face Nelson. They scooped up Bonnie and Clyde. FBI agents even nailed Martha Stewart.
And the FBI can’t pin the tail on a politician? It makes people like me wonder about the investigative process. Finding sleaze and corruption in D.C. is about as tough as finding tires at a NASCAR event.
News reports say you’re looking for evidence that certain politicians or other professional low lifes worked with the Russians to screw up the 2016 presidential elections.
That’s ridiculous. Why would the Russians try and sabotage our elections when we’re already doing it by ourselves?
The people in charge of elections in Broward County, Fla., still aren’t sure their vote count from the 2016 election is complete or correct. No one is surprised. That bunch hasn’t run a scandal-free election since 2000, when they had to put paper ballots under Sherlock Holmes’ magnifying glass to see if folks were trying to vote for Al Gore or George W. Bush.
And let’s not kid ourselves, Bob. Your team may never prove that the Russians hacked our elections. And if they can, what do you do? Raise the tariff on Russian vodka?
Forget it, Bob. If you’re looking for concrete proof of Russian hacking, send an FBI agent down here to investigate how the Russians recently hacked my wife, Angela’s, email account.
And not just once. Within the past month Angela’s email has been hacked more often than a piece of pulled pork at a south Georgia family reunion.
We have evidence of tampering by two Russians. And their names aren't Boris and Igor. The emails came from people with American-sounding names like Joe Smith or Albert Jones.
You could tell they were playing for the Red team because their email addresses ended with .ru, which is computer web code for Russia.
So far, the comrades haven’t stolen any money. But we have documented evidence that they used Angela’s email account to leave poor online reviews of consumer products.
Angela gets blamed and the commies sit back and laugh.
What do you say, Mr. Mueller? Why not check it out? And while you're at it, why not see if Russia is colluding with broadband providers to drive American families crazy when they're trying to stream favorite shows on the internet.
The other night we were watching this great show about a bunch of people who live in Australia and run around all over the place stabbing each other in the back. Just when it looked like the heir to the family fortune was about to find out his new baby had been fathered by someone else, and the cranky old bat who rules the family might die of a heart attack... our internet connection froze.
I needed an extra scoop of Culver’s frozen custard to recover. If the Russians want to terrorize Americans, this is the way to do it.
By the way, Bob, soon after Angela realized her email had been hacked by commies she also found some suspicious activity on one of our favorite online shopping venues.
If you really love America, find out if the Russians are colluding with Amazon.
Alex McRae is the author of “There Ain’t No Gentle Cycle on the Washing Machine of Love.” He can be reached at: email@example.com.