The Newnan Times-Herald


Squeezing the noose a little tighter

  • By The Newnan Times-Herald
  • |
  • Jan. 09, 2019 - 6:31 PM

Squeezing the noose a little tighter

The Newnan Times-Herald

The new laws of 2019 have finally arrived and boy, they’re some doozies:

In Illinois, they are now allowing hunting enthusiasts to wear bright pink during deer season, but none that I’d allow share a deer stand with me.

It’s back to the future in Ohio where a law will require students to write legibly in cursive by the end of the fifth grade. Up to this point our future leaders from Ohio made an “X” when asked for a signature.

In Colorado, residents who can’t prove they are in the country legally can use a Social Security number to get a driver’s license – up to now, they could use an Individual Taxpayer Identification number.

I guess asking these potheads to provide a birth certificate is more difficult than rolling a joint with one hand.

Oh, and the mommy state of the union, California has some understandable new restrictions.

*Only dogs, cats, and rabbits from shelters or rescue groups can be sold at pet stores.

*Judges will be able to decide who gets custody of a pet after a divorce.

*Full service restaurants can only provide a plastic straw if the diner asks for it and special kids’ meals must make water or milk the default beverage, but the kids can have as many sugary drinks if they ask for it first.

In Utah, the legally drunk blood alcohol level for drivers is capped at 0.05 percent-the lowest in the nation. In my experience dealing with D.U.I. convictions, a beer is worth 0.03 percent, glass of wine 0.04 percent, and a shot of liquor 0.05 percent.

The old, “I only had 2 beers, officer” will need to be updated to, “I only had a glass of wine with my dinner, officer” to keep from getting a ride to the poky in Utah.

And for all those who think living in the South is so bad, Vermont will give people employed by out-of-state companies, who are willing to work remotely from home (Vermont), up to $10,000 over two years. Delta is ready when you are, as we sing quietly, “The yanks are going, the yanks are going…”

The feds have their own newbies:

*Hospitals will be required to post a list of all their standard patient charges online. That way you can tell if you want to “super-size it” or not.

*Alimony will not be tax deductible and will not be a taxable income for recipients. Cheaper to keep ‘em guys.

Then there are the laws that never seemed to be removed from the books but make perfectly good sense.

In Carrizozo, New Mexico it is forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. No five o’clock shadows, ladies.

In Gainesville, Ga. you are not allowed to eat fried chicken any other way than using your hands. Ought to be the same law about pizza.

New Jersey is now the last state where you are not allowed to pump your own gas. Starting to sound like Paris and their 37-hour work week restriction.

In West Virginia, any person of legal age who profanely curses or swears or gets drunk in public shall be fined by a justice one dollar for each offense. Guess that’s where the swearing jar is still alive and well.

My favorite has to be from Waynesboro, Va. where it’s against the law for a woman to drive a car on Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag. I keep mine rolled-up under the front passenger seat.

And who says you can’t legislate morality?

The Precinct Press is authored by W.J. Butcher, a retired 26-year veteran of the Atlanta Police Department. Send comments, kudos, and criticism to: