Forget the Grinch.
2017 will go down in history as “The Year the Politicians Stole Christmas.” Nobody enjoyed the show.
The good news is, we go to the polls again in November, 2018. My vote will go to any candidate who promises to outlaw elections, political investigations and anything else related to politics between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.
So many holiday traditions have already been washed away by the tide of political correctness, it’s important to leave the rest untainted.
Years ago it was fine to display a Christmas Nativity scene on public property. These days, the only place you can put up a Christmas Nativity scene without risking jail time is your front lawn.
Christmas displays are still allowed on public property as long as they don’t feature Joseph, Mary or baby Jesus. Last year I saw a picture of a Nativity scene featuring a family of Labrador Retrievers. That’s an improvement?
What's next? How about a Millennial Nativity scene featuring an unmarried Mary and Joseph living in Mary’s mother’s basement. Instead of a baby, they herald the arrival of an iPhone X.
A robot Nativity scene would probably be a hit in Silicon Valley. The three wise men could be Google engineers who present a baby robot with a set of socket wrenches.
On the bright side, traditional Christmas music has still not come under attack. No one has claimed to be offended by “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree,” or Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.”
And whether it’s the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or the Oak Ridge Boys doing the singing, the “Hallelujah” chorus from Handel’s “Messiah” always earns a standing ovation.
There may be room for another Christmas song. I’m open to anything but gangsta rap. I’m still not ready to hear somebody singing, “You better be sweet. Santa’s packing heat.”
While we’re looking to upgrade Christmas traditions, it’s time to make the holiday more inclusive. And during Santa Season no demographic group is more ignored – or overlooked – than guys.
Christmas is strictly geared for females. Ask any man who has been told his stocking will be stuffed with coal if he doesn’t sit through another sappy Hallmark holiday movie.
Another Christmas tradition is worse. It’s called “The Nutcracker.” It’s a ballet. The title alone is enough to make a guy squeamish. Yet year after year, countless men are forced to attend.
I don't know a married man who ever sat through “The Nutcracker” unless (a) his child was performing or (b) his wife was armed.
Ballet isn’t totally bad. The music is actually pretty good. It’s the dancing that makes men uncomfortable. Most guys can fake their way through a slow dance or the twist, but male ballet dancers do things that don’t look possible, much less manly.
To be fair, “The Nutcracker” has some decent moments. In one scene the Nutcracker doll comes to life and actually kills a giant rat with a sword. It’s not “Gladiator,” but a little violence is better than none.
No one expects “The Nutcracker” to go away. But if men have to attend a ballet at Christmas, why can’t someone create a new one featuring the three things guys really like:
football, fishing and snack food.
Think about it, ladies. Any woman who expects her man to sit through “Waltz of the Flowers,” should be willing to spend an hour or two munching Cheetos and watching “Boot Scootin’ Bass Anglers” and “Leaping Linebackers.”
It sure beats watching politics.
(Alex McRae is the author of “There Ain’t No Gentle Cycle on the Washing Machine of Love.” He can be reached at: firstname.lastname@example.org )