The Newnan Times-Herald

Opinion

'High' way to Heaven


  • By The Newnan Times-Herald
  • |
  • Jul. 16, 2017 - 5:55 AM

Every day we get a new headline claiming evil, vodka-swilling Russians are working overtime to undermine the U.S. political system.

People are starting to freak out. Not me. Here’s my question: if the commies are successful, how could we tell? All the Russian meddling in the world couldn’t make the U.S. Congress any more incompetent.

Americans looking for something to worry about need to forget Russia and look elsewhere. Russia has nuclear weapons. California has dope-smoking nuns.

Now that’s a problem.

These women call themselves the Sisters of the Valley. They claim to worship a “higher power,” but in this case, the “high” refers to the marijuana the Sisters of the Valley grow and sell each year. Probably to Russians—and members of Congress.

Before she played Forrest Gump’s mama, actress Sally Field starred in a terrible TV show called “The Flying Nun.”

I knew the show was fictional because I saw lots of nuns when I was growing up in New Orleans and never spotted a single sister leaving the ground. But the California nuns are getting high as a kite—and hoping you will, too.

Church attendance may be down nationwide, but business is good in the Holy Dope world. The Sisters expect sales of their “sacred” marijuana and associated cannabis-laced products to top one million bucks this year.

The founder of the unholy order calls herself Sister Kate. Her birth certificate identifies her as Christine Meeusen. Sister Kate’s resume shows she earned a degree in Business Education from the University of Wisconsin and worked as a business consultant for years before posing as a nun during the “Occupy” movements of 2011.

She became know as Sister Occupy, then packed up and headed for the West Coast.

Sister Kate—to the great relief of Catholics—readily admits neither she nor the order are affiliated with the Catholic Church. She says she and her seven fellow sisters take vows of “servitude, activism, and spirituality.” The group's rituals are guided by the cycles of the moon. So is their marijuana planting schedule.

The sisters grow primo weed and sell it as medical marijuana. The “nuns” also produce cannabis oils and a salve Sister Kate compares to Burt's Bees (with a little extra buzz).

Three years after their first crop of cannabis was harvested, the nuns are selling enough marijuana to keep Grateful Dead fans mellow forever. And under California law, it’s perfectly legal.

So far, the sisters have shunned celebrity, choosing to dwell among the marijuana plants in a modest home in Merced, California, whose municipal website boasts that, “Merced’s revitalized downtown is emerging as the entertainment center of the area.”

How long before Merced’s motto is: “Home of the Holy Smokes”?

Former business professor Sister Kate insists the nuns’ mission is not about cranking out cash until the sisters hit it big on Wall Street. She says their goal is “to help and heal not only those who purchase their products, but the economically desolate region they inhabit—and the nation as a whole.”

Wow! Healing the nation? Makes you want to yell USA! USA!

The girls haven’t forgotten the “less fortunate,” either. The Sisters of the Valley say their aim is to “promote their ancient vision for caring for and bettering the poor through plant-based medication.”

Bettering the poor through plant-based medication. Potential drug addiction has never been wrapped in a prettier package.

Quit worrying about Russia. If American women are posing as nuns to sell legalized marijuana, this country has already gone to you-know-where in a hemp handbasket.

(Send your email comments to: alexmmcrae@gmail.com)