The Newnan Times-Herald

Opinion

The Big Chill(er)


  • By The Newnan Times-Herald
  • |
  • Feb. 12, 2017 - 1:19 AM

President Trump will soon meet Russian President Vladimir Putin face to face. Some people predict a bad outcome. Not me.

The fact that Putin loves to pose shirtless on horses and hunt wild animals with his bare hands could be reason to question his judgment, but no one—no one—has ever proved in a Russian court that he actually ordered dissident journalists and political enemies to be killed.

Putin is not a sweetheart, but I suspect war with the UK, EU, NATO or the USA is the last thing on his mind. Putin won’t talk war until he’s ready to deploy his new superweapon.

What is it? Here’s a hint: when is the last time you heard a peep about Russia’s space program?

Yeah. Me, neither.

That’s because the Russians are developing a weapon that doesn’t attack from the skies, but from deep beneath the sea. It’s a giant killer octopus that, according to the UK Daily Mail can “Hypnotize its prey and paralyze humans at a distance of 150 feet.”

The beast also sports toxic venom. It has 14 legs. The article included a photo.

The Daily Mail reported the critter is being developed into a secret weapon by Putin’s mad scientists.

Before you get started, stop. Yes, I know the Daily Mail is a British tabloid newspaper. And yes, I know some British tabs are infamous for printing items that are questionable and sometimes, totally false.

The Daily Mail is different. The very day I started writing this, the Mail published an actual true story—with actual cop quotes and pictures—about a Philadelphia man who hijacked a cab, shed his clothes and went on a naked, drunken joyride through the City of Brotherly Love.

That’s real. That's news. But I digress. Back to deadly cephalopods.

According to the article, the beast was found in a freshwater lake located 2 miles beneath the surface of Antarctica. Brrr.

The scientific team was led by Dr. Anton Padalka. The monster was named Organism 46-B.

The creature does not yet have a street name. I’m pulling for Ice Kold Killa.

Sorry, that was insensitive. Especially since it was also reported that the creature killed two of the scientists who found it. Maybe they should have waited until Killa had his Koffee.

The story doesn’t reveal how the scientists traveled 2 miles below the icy Antarctic surface to chill with Killa. Uber may have been involved.

Once the creature was found, death followed. Dr. Padalka was quoted as saying,

“We encountered Organism 46-B on our first day. It disabled our radio. It is also able to paralyze prey by releasing its venom into the water.

“Tragically, my colleague and lifelong friend was killed this way. He tread(sic) water wearing a blissful smile as the organism approached him.”

Dr. Padalka said he watched helplessly as the beast used its tentacles to tear off his colleague’s head. The monster then “popped the remains in its mouth.”

Dr. Padalka also said the beast was also able to disguise itself as a “human diver.”

Can you say “perfect killing machine?”

The scientists captured Killa. It was immediately seized by Russians toting guns and wearing heavy winter clothing. Padalka said they were Putin’s people.

The Commies have Killa. Draw your own conclusions.

Trump and Putin will meet soon to discuss ways our nations can coexist in peace and harmony. The news media may not tell the truth about how those talks went.

The best way to find out is to hit the beach this summer. If you see “Don’t Go Near the Water” signs, ignore them at your peril.

(Send your email comments to alexmmcrae@gmail.com .)